Thursday’s Thoughts

Thursday-Thoughts

So yet again I have failed on the quest to keep a regular blog post going. Its hard trying to find the time between the daily commute, working a 10 to 6 job and family life. I got plenty to say and I just need to find the time to get it all down on paper, so to speak.

This week I had bank holiday Monday off in Scotland so myself and Jane went to Fort Kinnaird to collect a new seat for Finlay from Mammas & Pappas. It’s the last time I will be dealing with that shop, their customer service is shocking from my experience. We tried calling the store on many occasions to check the item was in store and lines were closed. We tried calling the retail park and asked to be forwarded only to be greeted with an engaged tone. I searched everywhere online to try and find a direct number but it was impossible. In the end the item was in stock and we had a nice day out but I don’t think we will be using M&P’s again as we also had problems with pram and furniture deliveries before Finlay was born. High price and poor service!

On the topic of Finlay he has been pretty testing lately, he just will not sleep which causes Jane some sleepless and stressful nights. His legs are constantly in the air and he slams them down in his cot with some serious force. We reckon it’s his teeth that are starting to come through but this is not 100% certain. He is growing all the time and is starting to look like a proper wee boy now. Don’t get me wrong he is full of laughs and his face lights up when I walk in the room, starting to get some proper interaction with him which is nice.

Finlay

In other news we have made progress with the house which sold this week which we are delighted about, was quick and painless. We have changed our move date to the 9th June so looks like we will be back in the flat for my birthday, happy days. The whole moving to to a home from a three bed flat to a the flat that I lived in for 10 years has been a total nightmare, it’s just hasn’t worked out for us as a family and we all cannot wait to get back to the flat. You will see what I mean when I post some photos from the living room window. I just need to get all the paperwork sorted, changing of electric, gas, broadband, mobiles, driving licence and everything else that goes along with it. But once we are in and settled life will be easier as we will be closer to the train station for easy access to Edinburgh and Glasgow, good for my work. Closer to local amenities which is easier for everyone and just a nice environment to live in, more modern and to our tastes.

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At work things haven’t changed much, I just get stressed with the place and want to get out somehow, but like all of us I need to pay the bills. I would love to be able to think up my own business idea and make enough to be comfortable. The pipe dream eh! I did have a meeting last Friday which I ended up totally freaking out at as I had o present a design concept which was not my own and therefore I wasn’t familiar with it. Added to that the presentation was just sprung on me at the last minute and I had to present to about 20 people on the conference phone with all three of my managers in the room. As soon as I took control of the mouse the anxiety struck and I was sat there shaking like a leaf. All my managers/colleagues witnessed this which made it 10x worse and added to that it completely broke my concentration when trying to present and focus on the job in hand. I started sweating as well, in the hands, from my forehead and my back, the anxiety had taken full effect and luckily my immediate boos noticed and took over. It was so embarrassing to the point I emailed my boss after the meeting and apologised, he was understanding mind you and said its something we will work on. So I have a meeting about all of that tomorrow, lucky me.

Oh and there is the diet, this has just taken a back seat I’m afraid. I weighed myself this morning and was 17st 1, so zero change there. Mind you s I type I am tucking into a tea with two sugars and a chocolate biscuit after having cereal this morning and a noodle stir fry for lunch.

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I’ve decided that when I move I am going to start and try run round the loch pictured above as its right at my door step. This is wishful thinking but I need to lose the weight. Anyway bit of a monster post but thought I’d just lay it all down.

Until next time……

Ohhh hang on how could I forget, other big news this week I took delivery of the stunning Galaxy S8+ which replaces my Apple iPhone 6+. This phone is a thing of pure beauty and I never thought I would move from Apple but the screen on this thing is amazing. I will try and do my won review on it in a separate post but anyone reading who is thinking of a phone upgrade the S8+ is a game changer! (you can probably tell with the quality of my pictures in this post)

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Friday Weigh In

So last week I properly admitted to being a fat b@st@rd and thought its time to do something about it. I stood on the scales this morning for the Friday weigh in and was disappointed to find I was 16st 13 pounds. That’s like zero change even though I have been pretty good this week, I did slip up and had a chicken kebab mid week and I’ve had a few beers throughout the week. But I have been strict with lots of water at work and sticking to sandwich and soup everyday. At night I haven’t been snacking on crap so I am a bit miffed as to why there has been zero change.

Oh I also need to add that in the morning I try and have a bowl of Shreddies Max Protein, this stuff is the muts with some cold semi skimmed milk mmmmm.

Last week I weighed in at just over 17st but to be honest my weight fluctuates so much. At night I can stand on the scales and be 17.1 and in the morning I am 16.8, this doesn’t sound right to me?

I keep on with the diet and just hope it starts to drop off. In the middle of a move just now so all a bit hectic but I do plan on getting out and running, well fast walking to start with as I want to get the weight off for my birthday in June. At least keeping my weekly Friday blog post about it keeps me motivated to reach a target.

The Diet Starts Here!

Woke up the morning and took one look at my gut and thought FFS this cannot go on any longer. Its at the point where none of my clothes fit me and I feel like a tramp so I need to loose the extra weight. The scales say I am just over 17 stone which to me is shocking, I used to be 14.5 stone back in 2013/14, so I have gained nearly 3 STONE…… WTF!!!!

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I am typing this as I it at my desk at work staring at a banana and a bottle of water. I hear this is the hey to dieting well, so this is the beginning. I doubt I will ever get back down to 14.5 stone but my ideal target is 15 stone. This would mean I can get back into the clothes I like and start dressing more work like, rather than jeans and a t-shirt. Luckily I get away with this as I work in an office full of developers where they don’t bother about fashion or how you look. But it bothers me and I want to be healthy again.

Hopefully by blogging about it I can be strict with myself and and my aim will be to stick to a routine daily diet, something like:

Breakfast

  • Banana or bran flakes for breakfast

Lunch

  • Soup or home made tuna sandwiches on brown bread

Dinner

  • Chciken Stir Fry
  • Steak
  • Chicken Ommellette
  • Salmon with baby pototoes
  • Pasta¬†Arrabiata
  • Soup

Snacks

  • Tea
  • The odd bit of dark chocolate
  • Fruit

Stuff I am cutting out

  • Alcohol
  • Takeaways
  • Pizza
  • Morning rols on sausage etc
  • Crossaints
  • Anything I deem unhealthy

 

Anyway lets see how I get on, stay tuned for updates!

Me and My Anxiety

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So here goes, I am about to lay my real thoughts down on paper, well notepad to be more precise.

For as long as I can remember I have suffered from anxiety, I didn’t know it as a child but as I matured I was able to relate to other peoples stories of anxiety and what the inner feelings actually felt like. I get it in waves but when I get it it comes in many forms, most notably in the form of my neck stiffening up and going into a spasm which then causes my head to shake/tremor uncontrollably. This is followed by sweating and in extreme cases the whole left side of my body shaking, in the form of my left hand shaking, to the point where I cannot type or even hold a cup of tea.

The reason I am typing this up today is I had a bad dose of anxiety at lunch time in front of a bunch o my colleagues. As I was trying to eat a bowl of soup in front of three of my colleagues (one of which is a manager) I could feel the anxiety crawling up my spine like a spider on a cob web, and then bang my head started shaking. I try to tense up to prevent it from being visible but that just makes things worse. So now instead of eating my soup and engaging in normal conversation I find myself battling with my inner feelings and I don’t have capacity to ficus on anything else other than shaking and the fact I’m about to be spotted. Now do I just get up and walk making the situation worse or down I sit there and ride out the storm. I decide to man up and do the latter but this quickly becomes a bad decision as I am asked “Are you ok” to which I end up rambling on about me having a panic attack and that I am worried about having a seizure (I have photosensitive epilepsy as well) as the shaking make s me think about flaking out big time. Added to that the canteen is super bright with sun reflections bouncing of everything. Aaaaarrrgh!!!

The shaking continues as I try to eat my soup and decide ti just give up and concentrate on not passing out. This lasts for a good 10 minutes until my manager asks if I am ok and I exoplain that I am just trying to not have a seizure. He made a joke and said maybe I should do some work to take my mind of iut and this actually helped me forgte about all the shit going inside my body and mind nd it reduced the shaking down to nothing. I thanked him for that at least and continued on to eat a sandwich which went down dryer than a moth ball. But in the end it meant that now all my coleagues know I am some sort of mental freak, the last thing I want!

I have now spent the rest of the afternoon with headphones on listening to some soothing rain and wind from noisli.com. I can highly recommend this to try and calm down. As well as that I have started to listen to an anxiety YouTube channel, The Anxiety Guy, again I would highly recommend this for anyone else who suffers this horrible mind controlling disease. Thanks to thistinybluehouse.com for the suggestion.

I just wanted to write down today’s experience of my anxiety attack as its one of the worst I have had for a while, mainly because it was in front of people I work with on a daily basis and now they will judge me as being weak. To give you some background I am a Business Analyst in a mobile software company so I find myself having to work with developers explaining stories I have written and on calls with clients. Not good for someone with my condition but its better than having to deal with the public face to face on a daily basis. Away from work I have a just become a Dad and have recently moved house in the past 6 months, and am planning to move house again as where we live just is not working out. So all that stress along with sleepless nights and the fact that I recently had help from family members to clear a load of debt probably doesn’t help as its all weighing down on my shoulders.

I am hoping that by writing it all down it will help me get it all out of my system, a sort of rant about “why me” if you like. Hopefully anyone reading this who suffers the same sort of feelings and especially the shaking symtomps can realte and might take something positive in knowing they are not the only ones.

Anyway that’s almost time for me to head home, thank god and chill in time for yet another day of battling off the anxiety demons.