So here goes, I am about to lay my real thoughts down on paper, well notepad to be more precise.
For as long as I can remember I have suffered from anxiety, I didn’t know it as a child but as I matured I was able to relate to other peoples stories of anxiety and what the inner feelings actually felt like. I get it in waves but when I get it it comes in many forms, most notably in the form of my neck stiffening up and going into a spasm which then causes my head to shake/tremor uncontrollably. This is followed by sweating and in extreme cases the whole left side of my body shaking, in the form of my left hand shaking, to the point where I cannot type or even hold a cup of tea.
The reason I am typing this up today is I had a bad dose of anxiety at lunch time in front of a bunch o my colleagues. As I was trying to eat a bowl of soup in front of three of my colleagues (one of which is a manager) I could feel the anxiety crawling up my spine like a spider on a cob web, and then bang my head started shaking. I try to tense up to prevent it from being visible but that just makes things worse. So now instead of eating my soup and engaging in normal conversation I find myself battling with my inner feelings and I don’t have capacity to ficus on anything else other than shaking and the fact I’m about to be spotted. Now do I just get up and walk making the situation worse or down I sit there and ride out the storm. I decide to man up and do the latter but this quickly becomes a bad decision as I am asked “Are you ok” to which I end up rambling on about me having a panic attack and that I am worried about having a seizure (I have photosensitive epilepsy as well) as the shaking make s me think about flaking out big time. Added to that the canteen is super bright with sun reflections bouncing of everything. Aaaaarrrgh!!!
The shaking continues as I try to eat my soup and decide ti just give up and concentrate on not passing out. This lasts for a good 10 minutes until my manager asks if I am ok and I exoplain that I am just trying to not have a seizure. He made a joke and said maybe I should do some work to take my mind of iut and this actually helped me forgte about all the shit going inside my body and mind nd it reduced the shaking down to nothing. I thanked him for that at least and continued on to eat a sandwich which went down dryer than a moth ball. But in the end it meant that now all my coleagues know I am some sort of mental freak, the last thing I want!
I have now spent the rest of the afternoon with headphones on listening to some soothing rain and wind from noisli.com. I can highly recommend this to try and calm down. As well as that I have started to listen to an anxiety YouTube channel, The Anxiety Guy, again I would highly recommend this for anyone else who suffers this horrible mind controlling disease. Thanks to thistinybluehouse.com for the suggestion.
I just wanted to write down today’s experience of my anxiety attack as its one of the worst I have had for a while, mainly because it was in front of people I work with on a daily basis and now they will judge me as being weak. To give you some background I am a Business Analyst in a mobile software company so I find myself having to work with developers explaining stories I have written and on calls with clients. Not good for someone with my condition but its better than having to deal with the public face to face on a daily basis. Away from work I have a just become a Dad and have recently moved house in the past 6 months, and am planning to move house again as where we live just is not working out. So all that stress along with sleepless nights and the fact that I recently had help from family members to clear a load of debt probably doesn’t help as its all weighing down on my shoulders.
I am hoping that by writing it all down it will help me get it all out of my system, a sort of rant about “why me” if you like. Hopefully anyone reading this who suffers the same sort of feelings and especially the shaking symtomps can realte and might take something positive in knowing they are not the only ones.
Anyway that’s almost time for me to head home, thank god and chill in time for yet another day of battling off the anxiety demons.