Thursday’s Thoughts

Thursday-Thoughts

So yet again I haven’t blogged this week, finding it quite hard to fit it in right now. I don’t want my blog looking like a whole bunch of “Thursdays Thoughts” posts. So I need to blog more and try and build up some themes. Anyway on the topic of themes I am trying to keep the healthy eating going, today’s lunch is split pea soup and a ham sandwich.

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I have been getting my teeth into a new mini project at work which involves implementing user help for a tablet app. Just out of a meeting with a company who produce professional video help tutorials so going to be working with them over the coming weeks. Should be an interesting little project. I can see me having to use the phone though which is going to be a stressful situation for me as I hate talking on the phone, especially at work. I avoid it all costs!.

In otgher news I have treated myseklf to a bit of tech and just received confirmation that my new Samsung Galaxy 8 + is going to be deleveired hopefully tomorrow :). So I need to get a PAC code and get my number transferred after lunch, hoping O2 dont want me have given them notice but we shall see. Will be a big chnage moving away from Apple iPhone 6+ to Samsung but from what I have seen this phone is a peice of beauty and the UI have come on leaps and bounds. Exciting stuff!

Anyway I better go eat this soup before it gets cold and will hopefully get blogging on a more regular basis. Until next time…….

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Me and My Anxiety

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So here goes, I am about to lay my real thoughts down on paper, well notepad to be more precise.

For as long as I can remember I have suffered from anxiety, I didn’t know it as a child but as I matured I was able to relate to other peoples stories of anxiety and what the inner feelings actually felt like. I get it in waves but when I get it it comes in many forms, most notably in the form of my neck stiffening up and going into a spasm which then causes my head to shake/tremor uncontrollably. This is followed by sweating and in extreme cases the whole left side of my body shaking, in the form of my left hand shaking, to the point where I cannot type or even hold a cup of tea.

The reason I am typing this up today is I had a bad dose of anxiety at lunch time in front of a bunch o my colleagues. As I was trying to eat a bowl of soup in front of three of my colleagues (one of which is a manager) I could feel the anxiety crawling up my spine like a spider on a cob web, and then bang my head started shaking. I try to tense up to prevent it from being visible but that just makes things worse. So now instead of eating my soup and engaging in normal conversation I find myself battling with my inner feelings and I don’t have capacity to ficus on anything else other than shaking and the fact I’m about to be spotted. Now do I just get up and walk making the situation worse or down I sit there and ride out the storm. I decide to man up and do the latter but this quickly becomes a bad decision as I am asked “Are you ok” to which I end up rambling on about me having a panic attack and that I am worried about having a seizure (I have photosensitive epilepsy as well) as the shaking make s me think about flaking out big time. Added to that the canteen is super bright with sun reflections bouncing of everything. Aaaaarrrgh!!!

The shaking continues as I try to eat my soup and decide ti just give up and concentrate on not passing out. This lasts for a good 10 minutes until my manager asks if I am ok and I exoplain that I am just trying to not have a seizure. He made a joke and said maybe I should do some work to take my mind of iut and this actually helped me forgte about all the shit going inside my body and mind nd it reduced the shaking down to nothing. I thanked him for that at least and continued on to eat a sandwich which went down dryer than a moth ball. But in the end it meant that now all my coleagues know I am some sort of mental freak, the last thing I want!

I have now spent the rest of the afternoon with headphones on listening to some soothing rain and wind from noisli.com. I can highly recommend this to try and calm down. As well as that I have started to listen to an anxiety YouTube channel, The Anxiety Guy, again I would highly recommend this for anyone else who suffers this horrible mind controlling disease. Thanks to thistinybluehouse.com for the suggestion.

I just wanted to write down today’s experience of my anxiety attack as its one of the worst I have had for a while, mainly because it was in front of people I work with on a daily basis and now they will judge me as being weak. To give you some background I am a Business Analyst in a mobile software company so I find myself having to work with developers explaining stories I have written and on calls with clients. Not good for someone with my condition but its better than having to deal with the public face to face on a daily basis. Away from work I have a just become a Dad and have recently moved house in the past 6 months, and am planning to move house again as where we live just is not working out. So all that stress along with sleepless nights and the fact that I recently had help from family members to clear a load of debt probably doesn’t help as its all weighing down on my shoulders.

I am hoping that by writing it all down it will help me get it all out of my system, a sort of rant about “why me” if you like. Hopefully anyone reading this who suffers the same sort of feelings and especially the shaking symtomps can realte and might take something positive in knowing they are not the only ones.

Anyway that’s almost time for me to head home, thank god and chill in time for yet another day of battling off the anxiety demons.

Thursday’s Thoughts

Its been a week since I posted, I have been under the weather with a bad chest infection meaning I have also been off work for a few days. Anyway I am back at my desk and sitting having my lunch, gone for the healthy option of tomato and roasted pepper soup with some homemade tuna sandwiches from Jane.

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In other news I’m slowly coming round to the decision that Facebook is a load of crap and I want to have my own spot on the web to post my actual thoughts rather than the fake ‘look at me’ life style portrayed on other social media platforms. So here I am blogging and I must admit I do enjoy battering my thoughts out on the keyboard, not for likes or for recognition but just for me to vent!

So expect to see more of these daily/weekly updates on random topics that of interest to me and only me. Who knows this might take off but I highly doubt it. Its more  a place for me to look back and remember what I was doing at a certain point in life. Anyway I have finished the soup so now on to the sandwiches mmmmmmm. Until next time…….

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